As the early morning sun rises over Rogers Cove on Saturday, December 21st, Julie Brown will find herself in the very familiar role of facilitating a safe and welcoming space for those grieving the loss of a family member or friend due to suicide or overdose.

Hosted by the Greater Peterborough Health Services Foundation (GPHSF) with support from Seven Hills Developments, the fourth annual Darkness to Light gathering begins at 7:45 a.m., but guests are encouraged to arrive by 7:30 a.m.

As the first morning of the winter solstice grows brighter, a supportive message from Brown will be followed by a moment of silence in honour of those being remembered.

While advance registration is encouraged, people can show up unannounced. The event is free to attend but, donations will benefit suicide bereavement work at Hospice Peterborough. To register or to donate, visit www.gphsf.ca.

Brown, who is returning to lead the event, is well qualified to do so, bringing her masters in counselling psychology and more than 20 years’ experience as a registered psychotherapist to the role.

Through her Peterborough-based practice Tabono Therapy as well as her supportive care work as a consultant with Hospice Peterborough, working with individuals and families navigating the palliative care journey as well as those struggling with their feelings post-death, Brown has brought her own light to the darkness overwhelming those she sits down with.

While acknowledging there is some truth to the premise that everyone grieves differently, Brown notes grief is “a universal human experience.”

“It is not a condition. It is not a disease. Sometimes we pathologize people where we think their grief has gone on for too long or it has been too intense, but it’s really a developmental phase of life.”

“If you spend any time on this earth, it is a given that you will lose someone or something that is important to you. But how grief manifests itself, how it might look on the outside or be experienced, you might see more of something in one person and less of it in someone else. So, in that sense, grief is unique (for each person) but it’s all common, similar and universal.”

Further, says Brown, grief doesn’t have an expiry date, as evidenced by her counselling of a current client.

“We are talking about a death that happened 60 years ago that was never given time and space (enabling) the ability to process it,” she says.

“Why are we talking about it now? Because there was another very tragic death in that person’s life. It was a trigger and we’re right back there. We don’t get to go around it (grief) and, if we do, we can only do that to a certain point until something else in life catches up with us.”

“When people come in to see me, sometimes we’re talking about the most recent loss. Sometimes that loss is a divorce, or a loss of friendship, or a loss of job. That grief feels the same, but what we’re talking about is an unprocessed grief from earlier in their life.”

Tragic deaths, such as those the result of suicide or overdose, bring a different grief to the fore than a death from natural causes that comes after a long and fruitful life.

“You’re sad and that deserves to be honoured, but there’s not a sense of trauma or a tragic nature — it’s not a death out of order,” says Brown about a death from natural causes. “We expect, as people age, and certainly as they move into their late 80s and 90s, that death is a natural progression of life. We can make sense of that easier.”

“It’s when death shows up unexpectedly in a way that doesn’t make sense to us, or a death out of order, that can feel very complicated.”

The Darkness to Light gathering, says Brown, is permeated by “a reverence; a sacredness … you feel it.”

“Some of them (the attendees) I won’t end up speaking to. Sometimes they don’t even make eye contact. But there is this sacredness to that space. I am in awe that these people come. That they’re able to get there. That they’re able to stand there. That they’re able, in some way that feels like a miracle to me, to find a way to live in that day with the magnitude of what they carry.”

Brown says Darkness to Light checks two important boxes for those in the midst of a grief journey.

“Grief is very isolating because the experience is like ‘Nobody knows what I’m going through,'” says Brown.

“That’s true. Nobody does know what your grief is like. We need community. We need to feel like when it’s three in the morning and you’re pacing the floor and can’t sleep, there are other people in the community — while we don’t want for that for them — who are living the same experience.”

Brown adds disenfranchised grief — grief that is not acknowledged, supported, or validated by society — is often experienced by those who have lost someone to suicide or overdose.

“It’s a loss we don’t talk about. We sometimes talk about the nature of that death in whispers. We don’t know how to talk about it with people. The result is we often become more focused on how the person died than how he or she lived.”

“What I love about this morning (at Rogers Cove) is we are coming together to hold space. Yes, death connects us but, when I say a few words, I focus on how they were more than how they died. How they died is part of their story, but it’s certainly not the whole story for these people.”

As for our interactions with someone we know is grieving, Brown says a few things come to mind.

“Acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge … don’t pretend it’s not there,” she says. “Even if the person is having a good day, grief is never far away but they’ll be OK if you ask them and they’re like ‘Today’s fine.’ What matters to them is that you asked. That can be something as simple as saying ‘I’ve been thinking about you.’

“Put the anniversary of the death in your calendar. Acknowledge it when it’s coming up. Same with other significant dates like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, a birthday. It does matter to people when you send them an email or a text saying you’re thinking of them.”

“Another powerful thing is be curious about the person who died. Say their name. Ask about them. Ask ‘What did Christmas mean to your mother? When you think of Christmas, what really comes to mind for you about her? Did she have something she liked to cook?’ Ask about them and say their name. People tell me, over and over, they want to feel like people haven’t forgotten their person. They want to feel like they still matter.”

Brown says pushback against such enquiries is rare but when it occurs, it’s a reaction “from a protective place … they feel that people don’t really want to hear how hard life still is for them.”

Ultimately, says Brown, those grieving “like to know they’re being held by people.”

“We’re very good at this in the early days and weeks of grief. We’re not good at this months and years out. It’s something that requires quite a bit of conscious awareness.”

But, says Brown, suggesting to someone grieving that there are better days ahead isn’t a good approach.

“When we’re in the depths of grief, that’s not helpful. It’s often interpreted as people saying ‘I just want you to better’. That puts pressure on the griever. When we’re walking through this very dark tunnel, we can know intellectually there’s an end to that tunnel where some light will start to poke through, but when we’re in the midst of the darkness, hearing the light’s coming doesn’t really penetrate.”

“The process of grief is integrating it into our life and carrying it forward. For people with a tragic death like overdose or suicide, I’m talking many, many, many years of integrating it and try to find meaning in life. It is very common that they don’t. There’s very often not hope.”

“When I speak of the light at the event, I refer to it as the light of compassion and kindness. The light of the community that can carry us through dark times. That there’s a cycle of things, from darkness comes light. The idea of impermanence and things are always changing. I try to weave what I say with those kinds of things and try stay away from that idea of good days are ahead.”

When all is said and done, Brown says grief can’t be fixed — an undeniable truth that helps her cope with the emotional toll of her work.

“Giving up that illusion of control allows me to reside in a very patient, open-hearted space with my clients and say ‘I’m going to be right here with you.’ Yes, I’m going to nudge and poke away when I think there are logjams but I don’t pull them somewhere where they’re not ready to be.”

With her colleagues Red Keating and David Kennedy, Brown co-hosts a podcast titled “What Now? On the Threshold of Life, Death and Grief.” To date, it has had more than 22,000 downloads. A new episode on grief and the holidays will be available in December at www.hospicepeterborough.org/programs-overview/what-now-podcast/.

Before nine-year-old Sofie Roberts died from a rare brain cancer earlier this year, she told her mother she hoped her experience would help other families going through the same thing.

This strength and selflessness are what motivate Brooke Roberts to honour her daughter by supporting families affected by cancer in the region. She has partnered with Peterborough hair salon Hair by Fusion and its owner Sherri Wilfong to host a fundraiser in support of pediatric cancer care at Peterborough Regional Health Centre (PRHC).

Proceeds from all blow dries and select product sales will be donated to the PRHC Foundation, and donors will have the chance to win one of four gift baskets full of quality products at a “birthday party” for Sofie to end the fundraiser on Saturday, December 14.

“I just really want to help in her honour, and it’s a good time because she would be turning 10 on December the 16th,” says Brooke. “It’s a beautiful way to celebrate her and her little spirit, because she was just so courageous and never complained about anything.”

The Roberts family first learned that Sofie had a “massive” tumour in her brain in September 2022 when she was just seven years old. After being immediately transferred to SickKids Hospital in Toronto where she had a craniotomy the following day, Sofie spent six weeks in a children’s rehabilitation hospital with her mother, and away from her father Darren and younger sister Stella.

Though there was no cancer present at the time, a year later the tumour returned and Sofie underwent another craniotomy. With the surgeon unable to take out the entire tumour, Sofie was diagnosed with high-grade glioma — the same type of brain cancer that took The Tragically Hip singer Gord Downie’s life.

Starting at the end of June 2023, Sofie went through 33 rounds of radiation and chemotherapy requiring 33 round trips to Toronto with her mother. During this time, Sofie needed weekly blood tests and was able to get them locally out of the Pediatric Oncology Group of Ontario satellite program, a collaboration with SickKids at PRHC.

“As a family, we spent a lot of time at SickKids, but when we could do things here, it was such a blessing,” Brooke recalls. “I’m five minutes from the hospital where I live, so she could get the blood work in the morning, then go back to school and be a kid.”

Sofie getting to have moments of fun with her friends and her sister Stella — “they were two peas in a pod,” says Brooke — meant all the world to her parents. Throughout the whole cancer journey, registered nurse Shay Cannon and the rest of the team at PRHC supported Sofie and her family with everything they needed.

Brooke hopes that supporting pediatric cancer care at PRHC will help even more young sick kids just be kids again.

“You’re dealing with such sad, awful things that the little comforts become everything,” says Brooke. “It’s already heavy enough to deal with all of these pokes and medicines so, if we could get blood tests at home and she could go to school and be a kid, that’s incredible.”

When, in March 2024, the Roberts learned that Sofie’s aggressive brain cancer had returned and was untreatable, the family cared for her at home. Sofie passed away on May 17, 2024 at the age of nine.

“It was really fast — it’s an awful disease,” says Brooke. “They’re here and then they’re gone in an instant.”

Brooke notes that there’s “always an outpouring” of support that comes from the community during difficult and tragic times like these, and Hair by Fusion’s owner Sherri Wilfong was one such support.

Almost exactly 10 years ago, just before she had Sofie, Brooke was a sales representative for hair products and worked with Sherri on a weekly basis. She got so close with the salon, in fact, that the team got Brooke her first stroller for Sofie, and one of the stylists set up Brooke with her now-husband Darren.

“I used to do (Sofie’s) whole family’s hair — her mom’s hair, her aunt’s hair, her sister’s hair,” says Sherri, noting she was always keeping in touch with the Roberts and one day even happened to run into the family at the hospital when Sofie was transported by air ambulance to Toronto after a seizure.

“It’s just such a hard thing, because what can you do for someone when you’re in that situation?” Sherri asks.

What she did, Brooke says, was be there for her friend.

“Sherri’s been so kind and generous with services to make me feel good and it’s always been such a gift to just go into the salon and spend time in there,” Brooke says. “Stella always has a great time too.”

Until December 14, proceeds from all blow dries and select sales at Hair by Fusion at 1625 Sherbrooke Street in Peterborough will go towards the pediatric cancer care unit through the PRHC Foundation’s Campaign for PRHC. Sherri has also donated several products that will be included in gift baskets along with $1,000 worth of products donated by RedKen, where Brooke was formerly employed.

“That’s just incredible because I have not worked there in ten years, but they’re still being so generous and donating,” says Brooke. “I’m just so grateful.”

Those who make a $20 donation to the fundraiser will have their name entered to win one of the four gift baskets. The draw is happening at the “birthday party” event being held at the salon on Saturday, December 14 at 4 p.m.

At the event, Brooke will share Sofie’s story, and there will be gift bags for everyone in attendance. From the cupcakes to the sparkling drinks and the balloons, there will be no shortage of purple, Sofie’s favourite colour, in honour of the brave little girl.

“It’ll be a really nice way to wrap up the fundraiser,” says Sherri.

While Brooke admits that living without Sofie “gets harder every day,” she notes that her daughter’s fight that motivates her own. Not long after Sofie’s death, the Roberts held the inaugural “5K for Sofie Maye” in support of the Brain Tumour Foundation of Canada, inviting a community donned in purple to join them.

“I have her little spirit and thinking about her eggs me on,” Brooke says. “The fact that Sofie could do all those hard things just makes me think I’m going to press on here, and that I want my time here on earth to mean something. I want to serve other families that have to live the same type of situation and just give back as much as I can.”

To participate in the fundraiser, make an appointment at Hair by Fusion by visiting www.hairbyfusion.com or by calling 705-743-6600. The salon is open Mondays to Fridays from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. and Saturdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

To donate directly to the PRHC Foundation, visit prhcfoundation.ca.